Why Are Our Young Women Still Dying?

The death of Cindi Santana, 17, at the hands of her ex-boyfriend Abraham Lopez, 18, after a lunchtime argument at Southeast High School has once again brought a spotlight on teen dating violence, but the question is, why do we always have to wait for a young woman to die before we get serious about talking about teen dating violence?

Relationship Violence is a fact of life for too many young girls today. According to statistics provided by Break the Cycle:

•      One in three teens experience some kind of abuse in their romantic relationships, including verbal and emotional abuse.

•      40% of teenage girls, ages 14 to 17, know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by their partner.

•      Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser.

•      1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse.

Yet, despite these startling statistics, we continue to act like relationship violence belongs in a conversation about anybody else but our young women and men. Too many times it seems that when parents realize their child is in an unhealthy relationship, even if there is no physical violence involved, they just wait for the relationship to flame out, since it's "young love" and just hope that chapter is behind their child. But what about the emotional scars?

In this case, Cindi's family did everything right. They called the police and had him arrested after an earlier threat and altercation, they told the school principal that Cindi was in danger, they did everything they could to keep her safe. It's a bitter pill for us to swallow, but a reminder of the real danger relationship violence victims are in on a daily basis.

Then there are the abusers, both young men and women who clearly need help to deal with their rage. We cannot afford to ignore  the signs of their dangerous behaviours because it can lead them to hurt others or themselves.  Abraham Lopez had to have been troubled for a long time, somebody close to him had to see the signs. Why did none of his family and friends step in and try to get him help before he took Cindi's life? Now let's be clear, nobody is responsible for Abraham's crimes, but Abraham, but we must intervene when we see our loved ones going down a dark path. We must teach our youth that strength is not used for hurting and abuse is not love.

Education is the key in helping break the cycle of violence early, so is conversation. How can a person protect themselves from a potential abuser if they are not educated about what signs to look for? For far too long domestic violence and relationship violence has been a dirty little secret and victims have been unable to seek help because of fear, shame or even the sense of hopelessness. Cindi's death is a tragedy, but if we forget about her after the headlines fade and lose sight of all the other young women and men who are victims of relationship violence, then we will just keep repeating this devastating cycle of "shock and awe" as our daughter and sons continue to die at the hand of those who claim to love them.

Frenemies --- When Friendships Become Unhealthy

Sometimes we are so focused on our romantic relationships that we don't take stock of how healthy our other relationships are. This seems to be especially true in our friendships in which the people we count on for support are often times the people who are trying to sabotage us. This type of love/hate relationship has been dubbed having a frenemy and has gained a type of coolness factor in popular culture. But it it really alright to have toxic people in your life? Dr. Irene S. Levine, Professor of Psychology at NYU Langone School of Medicine, defines a frenemy as “someone with whom you have an ambivalent friendship.” According to Levine, who has been called “The Friendship Doctor” by the Huffington Post and PsychologyToday.com, “the person seems to be a friend, but then has periodic or frequent lapses in behavior that are antagonistic or undermining.”

Frenemies make themselves known if you really pay attention to them. We’ve all heard their catty remarks:

“You’re going to eat all of that?”
“You just started studying for the History exam? I started three weeks ago.”
“I thought you said you were working out!”
“I mean, I don’t think he’s attractive but I guess you like guys like that.”

We come across these types of friendships throughout their lives: In pre-school, it’s the girl/boy who befriends you just so he/she can play with your brand new toy. In middle school, he/she slips love letters in your crush’s locker. In high school, he/she was secretly pleased when you didn’t get into the college of your dreams.

“I think we live in a very competitive culture in which (we) are expected to excel and achieve in multiple areas of life. We’re supposed to be extremely attractive, successful in our careers and our personal lives,” says Lucinda Rosenfeld author of  I’m So Happy for You: A Novel About Best Friends on frenemies and the love/hate relationships that we create with our female friends.  “It creates a lot of pressure and I think some of that pressure ends up getting passed on to our friends and especially those friends with whom we’ve never felt entirely secure.”

So what do you do when a friend reveals herself to be a frenemy? 

• Let go gradually --- "If your frenemy is bringing you down, you don’t deserve it. It’s time to get rid of him/her. If he/she keeps making mistakes and you see that the friendship has no redeeming qualities, you have to break it off,” says Lavinthal.“(But) before you dump someone or try to mutually end a friendship, you need to do so cautiously because there’s no going back,” says Levine. "Downgrade the friendship so you become more of a casual aquantiance."
• Evaluate the situation ---  Was this a one-time thing or has this person let you down on numerous occasions? Have you been communicating clearly? How will this break-up affect your mutual friends?

 What if I Am the Frenemy?

• Take a step back and examine the situation. Remember that this is an important time in our lives to make lasting friendships. It’s not too late to change.
• Consider why you’ve been acting like a frenemy, and whether this is someone whom you would like to be a real friend to instead.

So, appreciate the good friends you have and put your time into those that create a positive energy in your life. Remember, you can always make new friends.

Based on Frenemies: When Friendships Become Toxic By Cassie Potler for Her Campus